The more comfortable you become with sharing your feelings, the more powerful you become. – Tamar Hela
Was I Selfish to leave – just thinking of myself and getting out of the environment that was no longer serving me. I couldn’t stand to be there when he was home, there was tension, I had already switched off and ended the possibility of repair after reflecting and becoming more aware of his actions.
He told me I was selfish, always thinking of myself and never his feelings, I knew it was time to stand in my power and do what my gut had been guiding me to do for so long. My thoughts were a little like this…… I am the priority, I value myself and don’t want to waste any more time and energy in this place. You do not fit my purpose, I don’t belong here.
We had different schools of thought and I had recognised this a long time ago and mine was directing me on a different journey right now. I tried for a long time to find reason and to be amicable but when the foundations and building blocks are not aligned there is only so long that you can rub shoulders for.
This fueled me!! I knew there was more to life than this. What I deemed normal family-work life. I had this burning desire to do great things and to add value to my existence. That is what was missing, my bucket of accomplishments was so small on my scale and the investment to be greater had to come from me. I knew I had to save myself, I couldn’t rely on anyone else. I had to step up and take control and trust the process and that everything would work out. I write this as I think back on the journey that I took and the strength that I had to make such firm decisions which at the time I was so scared to take. I found soliste in music, in running, and in writing. This became my new daily routine as I entered a new phase in my journey and started to really dig deeper into what soothed my soul. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about how I was feeling but the fact that I was speaking them to myself was validation enough that I was coming from a place of deep love rather than anyone’s opinion. Finding this quote from Tamar Hela really solidified my deep thoughts around my feelings and for those who are not comfortable to share yet, be sure that just speaking them or writing them to yourself has such great power. They define your purpose, the purpose for more.
I would drive to work and l listen to podcasts that would provide a total distraction to what I was feeling, I started to take interest in topics that would not have interested me previously and I allowed myself to go deep into the rabbit hole of numbness and this is how I survived for so long. Wearing that mask of “Im fine and everything is alright” to the outside world. My deepest regret would be that my children would come from a broken family but learning on how much damage staying could do this was not an option. I knew I could lead them into adulthood with the right guidance and example. Having a tight nit family helped immensely and this gave me comfort.
It is surprising to think back at how much our feelings direct us. I recall feeling scared a lot or fearful that I was not safe, that the slight raising of the voice or persistent questioning or the phone call while I was out would cause me to feel ill. These signals my body was giving me were right, that I had to act but many times you feel trapped that you can’t but you know you need to change something in order to feel safe. I often felt that I was being followed because of what was said, there was no trust but I never voiced it. My voice was too immature yet at that point to really support my inner views, so I remained silent, only to speak or discuss what was needed. Allowing myself to delve deeper into reading was I able to develop a true sense of conversation and this I was able to practice with other intellectuals when I embarked on further study.